Missing Mady - Post 5

One year. 

It has been one year since we were told our daughter’s heart was no longer beating.

One year since I delivered 7 pounds and 1 ounce of pure perfection holding on to an ounce of hope that we would hear her cry.

One year since we last held our baby in her pink smocked dress and big white bow. 

One year since I rocked my baby and sang ‘you are my sunshine’ as best as I could through my sobs in the cold, empty hospital chapel. 

One year since we last kissed her forehead, placed her in the crib, and watched her be rolled away. 

It has been one year since we walked out of that hospital with empty arms and shattered hearts. 

I should be buying 1st birthday party decorations. Instead, I wander through stores aimlessly searching for headstone flowers that are never pretty enough.

We have made it through our ‘year of firsts’ after Mady’s death. We’ve celebrated birthdays and holidays with brave faces and smiles though each celebration is a reminder that a piece of our family is missing. There have been many tears, many sleepless nights, and many thoughts of ‘what if’ within the past year. There is still a feeling of emptiness and longing. There is still a nursery full of pink flowers and a closet full of precious clothes that we can’t yet part with. 

Thankfully, it would be a lie to say our whole year was sad. Our son brings us so much joy. His big hugs can make anyone’s day better. His passion for baseball keeps us busy and active and for that we are grateful. Our friends and family have surrounded us with prayers, laughter and so much love. We are so very thankful for each and every one of you. Keep those prayers coming. 

We are also so blessed to have each other. There is no way I would have survived this without my husband, Cole. Does he drive me crazy sometimes? Absolutely. But he is my rock, and he loves me unconditionally. He lets me cry. He lets me yell. He lets me act like a crazy person. He doesn’t care if I ugly cry into his chest at church in front of everyone. (That might or might not have happened just this morning). He also makes me laugh, and I love him for it. 

Before I wrap this up, I want to share one of the songs we played at Mady’s funeral: I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song) by Selah. I still listen to this song often. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes it makes me smile, but it always reminds me that my girl is with God and that he loves her more than I ever could. 

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song) by Selah  https://youtu.be/61ncM07RU_U

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

P.S. 

I am blessed with the sweetest friends who encourage me, love me, and send me scripture. These are two of my favorites. 

I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born says the Lord. Isaiah 66:9.

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2.