Missing Mady

  I had ZERO desire to be a girl mom. I knew deep down in my soul that Mady was a boy. I felt like I was supposed to be a boy mom. I was having the same exact pregnancy as I did with my son, Cason. I wasn’t sick or nauseous. I felt great. I had no negative pregnancy symptoms just like the first time around. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones in that regard. Cole knew Mady was a girl. His talk of daddy/daughter date nights began as soon as we found out we were expecting. He longed for a little girl. I could not wait to playfully tell him that I was right and he was wrong after our genetic test results came back. I had the clinic put our gender results in an envelope. I had plans to take the envelope to a local bakery to put blue or pink icing into cupcakes for a small gender reveal surprise for the three of us at home. However, I am impatient, and I just could not wait. I could not hold on to that envelope all day without looking, so I cheated. I tore into that envelope as soon a...

  When will I stop feeling socially awkward? I’m a people pleaser. I hate making others feel uncomfortable. I can see people wince when I say Mady’s name. I’m not offended by this. People just don’t know what to say, and that’s okay. They worry about upsetting me while I worry about making them feel uncomfortable. I even feel awkward seeing a baby on the screen while watching TV with my husband. Does he think I’m about to have a meltdown? Is he going to have a meltdown? Obviously, if I did have a meltdown, no big deal. He would comfort me like always and vice versa. But the uncomfortable feeling is there none the less. What do I want people to know? (I don't speak for all grieving mothers. These are my personal feelings.) I’m okay talking about my girl. I want to talk about her. I don’t mind sharing her pictures. She was beautiful. I don’t mind sharing my experience in the hospital. (Shout out to NMMC Women’s Hospital. They were amazing. I could write a long post on their s...