Missing Mady

Cason's View of Heaven  I lie down with Cason every night before he goes to sleep. In the past, I have gotten so frustrated with him during this time. The boy is a talker. I wanted him to go straight to sleep so I could get ready for the next day, watch TV, or just have some quiet time. After losing Mady, this is now my favorite time of the day. It’s our time to talk, our time together. Sometimes he goes straight to sleep. Sometimes we talk for an hour. Sometimes we sing, and sometimes we are just silly. He just turned 7 years old, and I know the time will soon come when he wants to fall asleep alone. I'm soaking this time in. Many nights we talk about Mady. I often ask him what he thinks she’s doing in Heaven. His answer is always the same: “She’s playing with Pop, Papaw and Pap while DeeDee is cooking her supper.” I have lost some precious people in my family. My sweet Pop, Travis, was one of my favorite people on the planet. He was smart, generous and kind. He adored h...

  I had ZERO desire to be a girl mom. I knew deep down in my soul that Mady was a boy. I felt like I was supposed to be a boy mom. I was having the same exact pregnancy as I did with my son, Cason. I wasn’t sick or nauseous. I felt great. I had no negative pregnancy symptoms just like the first time around. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones in that regard. Cole knew Mady was a girl. His talk of daddy/daughter date nights began as soon as we found out we were expecting. He longed for a little girl. I could not wait to playfully tell him that I was right and he was wrong after our genetic test results came back. I had the clinic put our gender results in an envelope. I had plans to take the envelope to a local bakery to put blue or pink icing into cupcakes for a small gender reveal surprise for the three of us at home. However, I am impatient, and I just could not wait. I could not hold on to that envelope all day without looking, so I cheated. I tore into that envelope as soon a...

  When will I stop feeling socially awkward? I’m a people pleaser. I hate making others feel uncomfortable. I can see people wince when I say Mady’s name. I’m not offended by this. People just don’t know what to say, and that’s okay. They worry about upsetting me while I worry about making them feel uncomfortable. I even feel awkward seeing a baby on the screen while watching TV with my husband. Does he think I’m about to have a meltdown? Is he going to have a meltdown? Obviously, if I did have a meltdown, no big deal. He would comfort me like always and vice versa. But the uncomfortable feeling is there none the less. What do I want people to know? (I don't speak for all grieving mothers. These are my personal feelings.) I’m okay talking about my girl. I want to talk about her. I don’t mind sharing her pictures. She was beautiful. I don’t mind sharing my experience in the hospital. (Shout out to NMMC Women’s Hospital. They were amazing. I could write a long post on their s...

Missing Mady – Post 1 Our Story: August 20 th was a normal day. Mady was very active while I was at work. (Maybe more active than normal. Maybe this should have been my first clue something was wrong. So many ‘”what ifs”’ run through my head daily). I was getting ready to leave work around 4:30 and felt intense movement from my girl. I laughed it off. She was just tired of being cramped up in there. I was 1 week from my delivery date. One. Week. I picked up my 6 year old son, Cason, and we went straight to baseball practice. He had just made the travel team. I remember telling one of the other mothers that I was worried about time management with a newborn and travel ball. I went home. Cole stayed at practice with Cason. While home alone, I realized I hadn’t felt any recent big kicks. Orange juice usually did the trick. This time it didn’t. Cole got home and played some loud music which usually made our girl move. This time it didn’t. At this point, I decided I better go get checked o...