Missing Mady - Post 3

 

I had ZERO desire to be a girl mom. I knew deep down in my soul that Mady was a boy. I felt like I was supposed to be a boy mom. I was having the same exact pregnancy as I did with my son, Cason. I wasn’t sick or nauseous. I felt great. I had no negative pregnancy symptoms just like the first time around. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones in that regard.

Cole knew Mady was a girl. His talk of daddy/daughter date nights began as soon as we found out we were expecting. He longed for a little girl. I could not wait to playfully tell him that I was right and he was wrong after our genetic test results came back.

I had the clinic put our gender results in an envelope. I had plans to take the envelope to a local bakery to put blue or pink icing into cupcakes for a small gender reveal surprise for the three of us at home. However, I am impatient, and I just could not wait. I could not hold on to that envelope all day without looking, so I cheated. I tore into that envelope as soon as I got in my car after leaving the doctor’s office. FEMALE was highlighted in bright pink. Wait...What? The tears began immediately. I’m so ashamed of this looking back, and it breaks my heart on a regular basis. My gut was telling me I was having a boy, and I was in total shock when I found out otherwise. Did she think I was disappointed? Did she think I didn’t love her, even for a second?

Of course, I really just wanted a healthy baby. When that initial shock wore off, oh how my excitement grew. You can tell by looking at Mady’s closet how excited I was to be a girl mom. I’ve recently had to unfollow my favorite boutiques online. Every time a sweet outfit appears on my timeline, I have to catch my breath. I’ve lost my future shopping buddy, my future best friend. Mady’s closet is still stuffed with Matilda Jane, smocked dresses, frilly outfits for every holiday, and more bows than any little girl needs. Pink flowers still hang from the wall. A rabbit with her heartbeat sits on the changing table, untouched. Her room remains untouched. My desire was to be a boy mom, but now all I want is my girl.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33