Missing Mady - Post 2

 

When will I stop feeling socially awkward?

I’m a people pleaser. I hate making others feel uncomfortable.

I can see people wince when I say Mady’s name. I’m not offended by this. People just don’t know what to say, and that’s okay. They worry about upsetting me while I worry about making them feel uncomfortable. I even feel awkward seeing a baby on the screen while watching TV with my husband. Does he think I’m about to have a meltdown? Is he going to have a meltdown? Obviously, if I did have a meltdown, no big deal. He would comfort me like always and vice versa. But the uncomfortable feeling is there none the less.

What do I want people to know? (I don't speak for all grieving mothers. These are my personal feelings.)

I’m okay talking about my girl. I want to talk about her. I don’t mind sharing her pictures. She was beautiful. I don’t mind sharing my experience in the hospital. (Shout out to NMMC Women’s Hospital. They were amazing. I could write a long post on their staff and how they cared for us.) I’m okay being around babies (most of the time). Does it make me sad? Sometimes. Baby girls are harder. Does it make me miss my Mady? Always. Will I spontaneously burst into tears? Probably not but maybe? Cole and I both awkwardly cried in the front row at church last Sunday morning during a baby dedication. A pretty baby girl in a pretty white Christening gown (the same type of gown we buried our girl in) was difficult to see. Was it still a joyful occasion? Absolutely. 

Am I happy for my friends who are pregnant or who have recently given birth? 100 percent. Does it sting that my girl is not here? Of course it does, but that doesn’t take away from my happiness for others. (I will shamefully admit that I sometimes feel jealous). I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable about their joy because of my loss. It’s part of my story. Mady is my daughter. I don’t want people to forget her or act like she never existed. She brought so much joy during the 9 months I carried her. She is part of my story…a story I hope to use to help others. I borrowed this quote from a fellow grieving mother because I couldn’t have said it any better. “We do not always get to choose the roles we must play in life, but we do get to choose how we will play the role we have been given.”

(Quote from : https://hopemommies.org/hannahs-story-2#)

I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born says the Lord. Isaiah 66:9.