Missing Mady – Post 1

Our Story:

August 20th was a normal day. Mady was very active while I was at work. (Maybe more active than normal. Maybe this should have been my first clue something was wrong. So many ‘”what ifs”’ run through my head daily). I was getting ready to leave work around 4:30 and felt intense movement from my girl. I laughed it off. She was just tired of being cramped up in there. I was 1 week from my delivery date. One. Week.

I picked up my 6 year old son, Cason, and we went straight to baseball practice. He had just made the travel team. I remember telling one of the other mothers that I was worried about time management with a newborn and travel ball. I went home. Cole stayed at practice with Cason. While home alone, I realized I hadn’t felt any recent big kicks. Orange juice usually did the trick. This time it didn’t. Cole got home and played some loud music which usually made our girl move. This time it didn’t. At this point, I decided I better go get checked out...just as a precaution. She was probably just tired. It hadn’t really entered our mind that something was truly wrong. She was just tired.  

I drove myself to the women’s hospital around 9:00 p.m. because Cason was already asleep. I convinced Cole everything was fine and I was just being overly cautious. I will regret this decision for the rest of my life. Cole replays this night over and over in his head….he wasn’t there when I first got the news.

I checked in to the Women’s Hospital and was put in a room. I was still clueless. My girl was just tired. The first nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. The second nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat. She doesn’t know what she’s doing either. The OB on call couldn’t find a heartbeat and called in the official hospital sonographer for one more check. I still hadn’t lost hope. The sonographer couldn’t find a heartbeat. “I’m so sorry Mrs. Pearson.” I was numb. I couldn’t even cry. I text Cole and told him to call my dad to keep Cason and to meet me at the hospital. His reply: Is it baby time?!? He thought his baby girl was coming a week early.  I had to break his heart…over the phone.

Cole arrived and was directed to my room. He immediately embraced me. I immediately burst into tears. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” That’s all I could say.

We were moved to a delivery room. The on call OB said that my doctor would be there in the morning to begin the delivery process. I couldn’t wait that long. I was given an IV. The nurses started the medication. There were many tears, many moments of empty silence. All we could do was wait.

So many thoughts rushed through my head, with Cason being my main concern. How would we tell him? He was so excited about being a big brother. He couldn’t wait to teach her about football. How would we tell our parents and grandparents who were so excited for a new granddaughter? What did I do wrong to deserve this? What if I had eaten better while pregnant? Exercised more? What if I had noticed her lack of movement sooner? What if I had been a better Christian? What if I had prayed more? So. Many. What ifs.

After a sleepless night, contractions began. It was time. I knew this would be hell. I had been dreading it for hours. Cole and I were both secretly hoping to hear a cry after delivery. We hadn’t completely lost hope. The doctors could have been wrong, right? That cry never came. Our girl was gone.   

Mady was beautiful. She was 7 lbs and 1 ounce of pure perfection. She had a head full of strawberry blonde hair from her daddy. She had her brother’s lips. She was perfect. Her perfect outward appearance makes this loss harder to understand. We still don’t know why. We still don’t know what happened to our precious girl. We never will. I struggle with this daily.

My heart is broken for Cole. There will be no daddy/daughter dances. There will be no walking her down the aisle in a beautiful white dress. My heart aches for his broken plans with his baby girl. Though his heart is broken, this man has been my rock. He hugs me when I cry. He calms me when I’m anxious. He prays for me. He prays with me. We’re stronger than we were before.

My heart is broken for Cason. He would have been the best big brother to Mady. My heart bursts with joy and breaks simultaneously when I see him with my nieces. He adores them. They hang on his every word. I know it would have been the same for his baby sister. I’ll never forget his wail when we told him Mady was gone. It will haunt me forever. His heart was crushed. He was scared to hug me at first. He didn’t want to hurt me. He’ll never understand how much I needed him…how much he helped me through the darkest time of my life. Every kiss, every hug. I don’t know that I would have survived without him.

We’re 6 months out now. I can make it weeks without shedding a tear. Last week, I cried every night. Some days I feel so empty, like nothing will ever fill this hole in my heart. The ‘empty’ days are the hardest. Some days I feel angry. Why me? Why my baby? Some days I’m so thankful. I know so many struggle with infertility. I am blessed and so very thankful for my smart, rowdy, sports loving boy who fills my heart with so much joy. I thank Jesus for him every single day.  We selfishly want our Mady girl here in our arms, but we find comfort in knowing she’s wrapped in the arms of Jesus. His was the first face she saw. 

-Megan